Evening Comics Take Aim At Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Scheme

Late-night's leading comedians spent their evening criticizing President Donald Trump's just announced immigration program, labeled the "Trump card," characterizing it as a clear cash-for-residency system for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Pointed Spin

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic holiday tune directed at the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "Trump ... spoils each thing he touches."

The subject was the new program which allows overseas nationals to acquire U.S. residence for an investment of $1 million dollars, or "premium" tier for five million. A government page promises processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A brief thought here to affluent applicants: prior to you pay, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He explained that the card is also designed to "get cash" from businesses looking to hire foreign workers, with significant fees. "That's a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a property of your selection – provided that it's the that one hotel," he said.

"Unprecedented vetting the government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to verify these individuals truly meet the standard to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Critique

On his late-night program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"This is a card that will allow wealthy international individuals to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel lampooned the simplicity of the application, saying it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Economic Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's plunging poll numbers amid economic worries. "People gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a attempt to tackle cost of living, Trump held a press conference in front of a display of food items, where he reacted peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking conservative media coverage of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he remarked.